Da Bachelorhood

So my old laptop is officially too unreliable to be used as anything other than a fire hazard. I decided a few days ago after months of pondering that I definitely wanted a Macbook Air because it looked cool. No really, I wanted to buy one of the most inconvenient computers on the market because it looked cool. Yeah, I’m willing to sacrifice every feature I use for a sleek, hipster counting machine.
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SUCK MY GIANT HUMBLE DICK. (more…)

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Hey you aren’t better than me.” Well you may be right, but you’ll never be able to convince me. I got too much going on for me. Just this weekend alone I got Brickman to say 5 separate times, “God damn it, I hate Jersey.” If you aren’t good enough to provoke deep hatred from the self-pity, emo, teenage angst even though he’s getting close to 30, hairy, nicotine depraved punk, then God damn it, I MUST be better than you. Just in case you need to me to specifically tell you how much better I am than you, I will, and I remind you, all these things are true: (more…)

Once a year, I become unconditionally proud of my countrymen and forget politics, gender, race, creed, and my fiery hatred of the rat bastard fascists in the Republican Party. Once a year, James Earl Jones’s speech from Field of Dreams plays over and over in my head for 24 straight hours, as if he were God’s own PR director issuing a statement of hope, flowers, joy, happiness, unicorns, laughter, and puppies. You know the day. You know the feeling. You know the smell of spring and the promise of a new season… You know that it is motherfuckin’ MLB Opening Day!

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