Da Bachelorhood

Like any good, realistic, honest baseball fan, I was sad to see the Tampa Bay Rays “skate” (har har ray joke) through the regular season on the revenue sharing money provided to them by the Yankees. (The Yankees shared $30 Million in revenue last year, the rays took $15M in). There are many reasons the Rays don’t deserve to be in the World Series. For a team that gained 1st place in the murderous AL East in April, they still only averaged 22,000 fans a game for the entire season. Also, they play in a DOME in FLORIDA on ASTROTURF. All three of those things are anathema to baseball. Babe Ruth never ate hot dogs and drank beer in a dome! Roger Maris didn’t hit home runs on astroturf or under a roof! For christ’s sake (literally), even the Romans had the occupational courtesy to slaughter Christians in the open-air coliseum, on real earth! However, these aren’t even the most egregious errors committed by the Rays. The main reason the Rays don’t deserve a world series? Their fairweather fans, rivaled only by those of Cincinnati sports, still think that the cowbell is relevant. (more…)

Before I get into my random thinkings, i would just like to say, happy JBR day! (Jon benet ramsey day? junior bacon rapeburger day? jazillions of british rastafarians?) Yes, that’s right, jon benet is legal today, which in the eyes of most of us makes her way too old to be of interest. It doesn’t matter anyways, she hasn’t returned our calls in about 12 years. Thanks, scott peterson! (more…)

We’re all sorry none of us has written in a while, but I think I have a girlfriend now ( blow up doll? ) and most of the other guys are too busy watching Brokeback Mountain. Anyways, I decided to look through some freshman year AIM logs, and bring up an event that we haven’t talked about in a long, long time…

I know what you’re thinking. There’s absolutely no way John Rambo could have killed all those cops in the forest in First Blood, unless they were all cops like Jersey. But that’s beside the point. The point is, i’m about to take you on a journey…a journey to the deepest, darkest, wettest depths of love-induced hell: gazz’s nether-regions. Most of you may find it disgusting, but really, it’s a tale of seduction and love; the soundtrack of which sounds like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter. And no, no one had the chance to utter ‘be gentle’ before it all went down. (more…)

Now, don’t judge a book by its cover. I’m a chilvaristic guy, although machiavellian at times (what the fuck does guy mean?), and I would never touch a women in anger. Unless it was one of these women. Let’s admit it, the rules that we’ve grown up with can only take us so far. We all know how to be nice to women and treat a lady right. However, there are seven women that i know of on this planet that, if I ran into them in public, I would knock the fuck out. (more…)

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Hey you aren’t better than me.” Well you may be right, but you’ll never be able to convince me. I got too much going on for me. Just this weekend alone I got Brickman to say 5 separate times, “God damn it, I hate Jersey.” If you aren’t good enough to provoke deep hatred from the self-pity, emo, teenage angst even though he’s getting close to 30, hairy, nicotine depraved punk, then God damn it, I MUST be better than you. Just in case you need to me to specifically tell you how much better I am than you, I will, and I remind you, all these things are true: (more…)