Da Bachelorhood

  Normally here on DaBachelorhood when a celebrity dies we take the opportunity to mock their untimely death, the way in which they croaked and the many failures in their life. Nothing of the sort will happen today unless one of the Olsen Twins finally ODs on coke and bulimia. Yesterday evening THE icon to the humor of DaBachelorhood, George Carlin died of heart failure. If you are a regular reader of this site then you should be familiar with the man that has done to Political Correctness what Katrina did to New Orleans. His ability to play with the english language was uncanny and one of a kind. “What do they mean by “Pre-Board”? To get on before you get on?” His three books (When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops, Napalm & Silly Puddy, Briandroppings) have all been on Best-Sellers Lists and he was to receive the 2008 Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. (more…)

I spent a lot of time growing up memorizing his lines, his timing, and his style; everything I know about comedy I learned from Mr. Carlin. I think I speak for all of us here at DaBachelorhood in saying that, collectively, he’s probably our largest influence.
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As you can tell from some of my last posts I’m a bit of a sports fan, especially when it comes to fantasy sports and no I don’t mean hunting women for sport (Sause). I know this is a rather easy writing vehicle, but at least this is a fun one. I’m going to draft my own fantasy softball team, drafting not on the concept of stats alone, but also factoring in that I would be drinking with these people after the game, chasing broads with them, and enjoying general merryment. I’ll pick 10 players (standard for any softball team). You ready? Well I can’t HEAR YOU!?!?! Seriously, I can’t hear you. Stop yelling like maniac. (more…)

(Hold for applause)

But I would be liar if I told you I didn’t miss it; with every straight line I walk, sunny day that doesn’t give me a headache, and two syllabel word I can pronounce. I’m tired of the days where I don’t blackout and wake up drooling, its time for a change. I’ve been able to think clearly since (R)October 20, 2007 and what has it gotten me? I left college, got a girlfriend, got a 9-5 working for The Man, and live with my parents to save money. You call that thinking straight? I’ve had enough, it all ends Friday.

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You’re probably saying to yourself, “Hey you aren’t better than me.” Well you may be right, but you’ll never be able to convince me. I got too much going on for me. Just this weekend alone I got Brickman to say 5 separate times, “God damn it, I hate Jersey.” If you aren’t good enough to provoke deep hatred from the self-pity, emo, teenage angst even though he’s getting close to 30, hairy, nicotine depraved punk, then God damn it, I MUST be better than you. Just in case you need to me to specifically tell you how much better I am than you, I will, and I remind you, all these things are true: (more…)