Da Bachelorhood

Like any good, realistic, honest baseball fan, I was sad to see the Tampa Bay Rays “skate” (har har ray joke) through the regular season on the revenue sharing money provided to them by the Yankees. (The Yankees shared $30 Million in revenue last year, the rays took $15M in). There are many reasons the Rays don’t deserve to be in the World Series. For a team that gained 1st place in the murderous AL East in April, they still only averaged 22,000 fans a game for the entire season. Also, they play in a DOME in FLORIDA on ASTROTURF. All three of those things are anathema to baseball. Babe Ruth never ate hot dogs and drank beer in a dome! Roger Maris didn’t hit home runs on astroturf or under a roof! For christ’s sake (literally), even the Romans had the occupational courtesy to slaughter Christians in the open-air coliseum, on real earth! However, these aren’t even the most egregious errors committed by the Rays. The main reason the Rays don’t deserve a world series? Their fairweather fans, rivaled only by those of Cincinnati sports, still think that the cowbell is relevant. (more…)

Before I get into my random thinkings, i would just like to say, happy JBR day! (Jon benet ramsey day? junior bacon rapeburger day? jazillions of british rastafarians?) Yes, that’s right, jon benet is legal today, which in the eyes of most of us makes her way too old to be of interest. It doesn’t matter anyways, she hasn’t returned our calls in about 12 years. Thanks, scott peterson! (more…)

We’re all sorry none of us has written in a while, but I think I have a girlfriend now ( blow up doll? ) and most of the other guys are too busy watching Brokeback Mountain. Anyways, I decided to look through some freshman year AIM logs, and bring up an event that we haven’t talked about in a long, long time…

I know what you’re thinking. There’s absolutely no way John Rambo could have killed all those cops in the forest in First Blood, unless they were all cops like Jersey. But that’s beside the point. The point is, i’m about to take you on a journey…a journey to the deepest, darkest, wettest depths of love-induced hell: gazz’s nether-regions. Most of you may find it disgusting, but really, it’s a tale of seduction and love; the soundtrack of which sounds like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter. And no, no one had the chance to utter ‘be gentle’ before it all went down. (more…)

As you can tell from some of my last posts I’m a bit of a sports fan, especially when it comes to fantasy sports and no I don’t mean hunting women for sport (Sause). I know this is a rather easy writing vehicle, but at least this is a fun one. I’m going to draft my own fantasy softball team, drafting not on the concept of stats alone, but also factoring in that I would be drinking with these people after the game, chasing broads with them, and enjoying general merryment. I’ll pick 10 players (standard for any softball team). You ready? Well I can’t HEAR YOU!?!?! Seriously, I can’t hear you. Stop yelling like maniac. (more…)

(Hold for applause)

But I would be liar if I told you I didn’t miss it; with every straight line I walk, sunny day that doesn’t give me a headache, and two syllabel word I can pronounce. I’m tired of the days where I don’t blackout and wake up drooling, its time for a change. I’ve been able to think clearly since (R)October 20, 2007 and what has it gotten me? I left college, got a girlfriend, got a 9-5 working for The Man, and live with my parents to save money. You call that thinking straight? I’ve had enough, it all ends Friday.

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