Da Bachelorhood

doing my best impression of terry schaivo and sam doing his best impression of me doing my best impression of terry schaivo

SUCK MY GIANT HUMBLE DICK. (more…)

Once a year, I become unconditionally proud of my countrymen and forget politics, gender, race, creed, and my fiery hatred of the rat bastard fascists in the Republican Party. Once a year, James Earl Jones’s speech from Field of Dreams plays over and over in my head for 24 straight hours, as if he were God’s own PR director issuing a statement of hope, flowers, joy, happiness, unicorns, laughter, and puppies. You know the day. You know the feeling. You know the smell of spring and the promise of a new season… You know that it is motherfuckin’ MLB Opening Day!

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In order to stave off debilitating loneliness around this Hallmark holiday season, a single male has many options available to him; some of them existentially fulfilling, some of them truly sad, and some of them involving illegal interstate transportation of infant pandas. But no matter which path you choose, always remember that the only reason you are alone this year is because either a) you aren’t presenting yourself to the opposite sex in a favorable way, b) you just haven’t tried hard enough to hide your lisp, or c) you’re poor and smelly and gay and stupid and unfunny and left-handed and poor.
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1. jersey once backed over a box of sleeping kittens with a steamroller… slowly
2. prior to running over the aforementioned box of kittens, he set up an elaborate system of mirrors so he could watch
3. he has never once smoked a cigarette with me
4. he has three illegitimate children with three separate women… all nuns
5. he hates freedom
6. he named his chihuahua RainbowBaby LoveSnuggles McCue the 3rd
7. he developed a hybrid of the two scariest things alive: a wolf and AIDS - it’s called wolf AIDS
8. he tests the effects of wolf AIDS on retarded panda orphans
9. his ego is so inflated, it’s like Abe Vigoda’s prostate… except jersey smells worse and is less welcoming
10. he mercilessly and with no regard for human ethical standards or decency walks around in shorts… he really has no business in shorts

a shrimp on the barbie for the dearly departed. may he box kangaroos in heaven and talk funny for all eternity.