Da Bachelorhood

Before I get into my random thinkings, i would just like to say, happy JBR day! (Jon benet ramsey day? junior bacon rapeburger day? jazillions of british rastafarians?) Yes, that’s right, jon benet is legal today, which in the eyes of most of us makes her way too old to be of interest. It doesn’t matter anyways, she hasn’t returned our calls in about 12 years. Thanks, scott peterson!

Okay, so down to it…some of the things that float through my skull throughout the day…

-If elton john was an ancient, and believed the sun to be a male god, i’ll bet he wouldn’t be so cavalier in recruiting people to keep the sun from going down on him

-We refer to female pubic hair as a runway or landing strip, but don’t have any popular airplane euphemisms for sex. Since making love to your loved one can be beautifully described as ‘trucking a bitch,’ shouldnt we instead start to call those patterns ‘on-ramps’ or, in the case of us who have to pay, ‘toll roads’ ? I suppose i should just be happy that i don’t have to worry about it being a six-lane superhighway.

-I never really interpreted things well as a kid. I could never understand why mom got mad when i spilled coffee on the coffee table, or why my dad would hate me for using a saw on a sawhorse. They should have less literal names! I won’t even begin to explain my problem with weed whacking.

-You can wear a parka to the park with no problem, but if you wear a jacket when you jack it someone is probably going to call the police. Goddammit though, because those kids really need to get picked up from daycare.

-If the term ‘road head’ is unambiguous, then how come ’shower head’ never illicits dirty thoughts?

-With a motto like ‘taste the rainbow,’ i can’t believe that gay clubs aren’t flocking to have Skittles as a sponsor.

-Why is eating tenderloin a delicacy, but having tender loins is a reason to see the doctor?

-I think replacing the keys on a piano with house keys would be a pretty painful practical joke, especially if your victim is playing something ‘forte’

-I believe in a contextual interpretation of the bible. Like, when Moses was talked to by the burning bush, i’ll bet he was really just getting propositioned by a redheaded prostitute.

-Why aren’t you allowed to accrue interest after making a deposit in a sperm bank?

-An ironic hiding case for a bomb would be a boombox. Ill bet that would result in lots of decapitated homeboys. CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

-Living every week like it’s shark week is an okay idea, unless you’re on vacation and swimming in the ocean with a dead fish taped to your back.

-Since satellites have operational paths called orbits, why don’t hookers have operational paths called whorebits?

-I think a really bad refreshment to offer to a jaundice patient would be mellow yellow.

-If Brett Favre’s last name is pronounced ‘farve,’ how come we dont cavre the turkey or stavre ethiopians?

-I hate new flat panel tv’s, but only because i can no longer say boob everyday without being a pervert, as in ‘i’m going to watch the boob tube’ or ‘i’m going to motorboat that thirteen year old’s boobs’

-Would it be considered twice as sexist if you told a witch to quit flying around on her broom and use it to clean the kitchen?

-I love coincidences. Like, how Cinderella’s carriage turned into a pumpkin at midnight, and how the left eye of a pumpkin is exactly what the prince wouldve been fucking that night had he found out cinderella wasn’t really a princess. Hey, gourds need love too.

-I heard on the news that the next food crisis to hit america after the ecoli problem with tomatoes will be lemonaids.

Until next time, fuck off.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 6th, 2008 at 3:16 pm and is filed under A fish mouth is sexier than I thought, But God damn it I respect you, Jersey is an Asshole, You Wish You Were Still In College, bored at work. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.