Da Bachelorhood

We’re all sorry none of us has written in a while, but I think I have a girlfriend now ( blow up doll? ) and most of the other guys are too busy watching Brokeback Mountain. Anyways, I decided to look through some freshman year AIM logs, and bring up an event that we haven’t talked about in a long, long time…

I know what you’re thinking. There’s absolutely no way John Rambo could have killed all those cops in the forest in First Blood, unless they were all cops like Jersey. But that’s beside the point. The point is, i’m about to take you on a journey…a journey to the deepest, darkest, wettest depths of love-induced hell: gazz’s nether-regions. Most of you may find it disgusting, but really, it’s a tale of seduction and love; the soundtrack of which sounds like a boot stuck in mud, only wetter. And no, no one had the chance to utter ‘be gentle’ before it all went down.

Let me paint you a picture with my imagination brush. The setting? Dayton, 2004. It was a few days after Valentine’s day, and love was still in the air. It was a clear night with a touch of wind kissing our cheeks. Mostly our buttcheeks, as we mooned people from the fifth floor of Sheehy, but I digress. Gazz was now 19, both old enough to drink in Canada and to be sent to Russia as a male order bride. I was randy and in the mood to both drink (not brandy) and be promiscuous (but still not with Brandy), as ben and I had just completed a rousing chorus of our favorite song, Genesis’ “Invisible Touch.” However, remember the time frame i’ve created…none of us were old enough to buy alcohol.

Then the most epic of conversations occurred:

d Is T eR 28 (10:07:20 PM): i feel like gettin drunk
eatmorefrogs (10:07:31 PM): get drunk!
d Is T eR 28 (10:07:38 PM): i have no resources:-(
eatmorefrogs (10:07:54 PM): stu would call me an alcoholic if i came and got drunk with you
d Is T eR 28 (10:08:04 PM): and you care?
eatmorefrogs (10:08:32 PM): lol
eatmorefrogs (10:08:57 PM): hold on….i own the steel reserves in the fridge, lemme IM the kid that owns the others to see if he wants them
d Is T eR 28 (10:09:10 PM): yes, we can drink 40’s and watch lion king
eatmorefrogs (10:09:14 PM): haha
eatmorefrogs (10:09:30 PM): fuck ‘em, i’ll just pay him back later on
d Is T eR 28 (10:09:35 PM): hahah yes
eatmorefrogs (10:09:37 PM): rgr rgr here comes steel
d Is T eR 28 (10:09:40 PM): YES
d Is T eR 28 (10:09:41 PM): YES
d Is T eR 28 (10:11:22 PM): FATTY
d Is T eR 28 (10:11:28 PM): LION KING COMMENCES AT 1030

Just as a side note, you should all know that children’s movies are simply the best thing in the world to drink to. Just the other night at the bar, I saw a gorgeous woman that looked like Ariel, and I asked her if she wanted to ‘comb her hair’ with my dinglehopper. She didn’t find it quite so funny (You’re a McDonald, not a whore!), but still let me stab her Ursula with my trident (be gentle!!). Besides, modern movies are about as useful as one of those sharpeners on the big crayon boxes.

So after our conversation, i searched high and low through the floors of Adele for a lady that would lend us the Lion King. Those ladies were slightly confused, because I was more interested in Timon, Pumba, and Simba then I was in their magnificent breasts. I had to explain so many times that yes, i was actually looking for the lion king, and not the pussy queen. I know cats are related, but come on, I know how to be specific. By 1030, I had found both the Lion King and Aladdin, and also a bottle of Kamchatka ( uh oh ) to supplant the Steel Reserve. I thought about drugging Gazzypants just to have my way with him, but I decided I’d let the night progress.

We started our romantic evening with Steel Reserve and Aladdin. As I thought about how much better things would be on a Magic Gazzerro Ride in a Whole Nude World, Gazz had a look on his face that conveyed one question : Just how good would it feel to be whipped in high-stakes (read: no safety word) bondage by Jafar’s magical whip? I’d rather be gentle and just rub the lamp until the Genie-shot, but hey, Gazz is crazy. No one has done anything that radical since Jesus used alternate forms of transportation. That’s even scarier than a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

By the end of Aladdin, we were pretty hammered because, well, that’ll happen. We began the Lion King, and when Simba collapses into a pile of leaves that spell out sex, I just couldn’t hold back. It turns out, when you ‘Follow Rafiki if you want to live!’ he really just takes you to the closest human butthole, and that happened to be Gazz’s butthole, and in his butthole, his mighty butthole, the lion slept that night.

It is at this point qthe details get hazy. I blacked out halfway through the Lion King, and Gazz did too. I woke up on the top bunk, naked, and Gazz woke up on our futon, naked, and covered in wetness. How did I make it to the top bunk? Was it radical monkey skills learned from watching cartoon jungle warfare? How did gazz end up naked? Did he lose he clothes in a death battle with Scar? Did he run away from that Whoopi Goldberg hyena so fast his clothes couldn’t keep up? Why was he wet? Was he the centerpiece of the Circle(jerk) of Life? Why have I referred to myself as ‘the lion?’ Why did I just make a ducktales ringtone? Why am I so raw? Why is the View still allowed on tv? Is it still gay if your balls don’t touch? How come Snakeeyes still doesn’t know what the page break button is? Why do people actually feel the need to sharpen crayons in the first place? So many questions were left unanswered.

d Is T eR 28 (5:54:13 PM): that better be the last time theres a naked gazzerro in my room
eatmorefrogs (5:54:30 PM): that’d better be the last time i’m naked in your room
eatmorefrogs (5:54:33 PM): i still can’t figure it out
d Is T eR 28 (5:54:36 PM): lol
d Is T eR 28 (5:54:44 PM): sick, sick man
eatmorefrogs (5:54:52 PM): DID I UNDRESS MYSELF?
d Is T eR 28 (5:54:59 PM): hahaha im guessing thats how it happened
d Is T eR 28 (5:55:05 PM): cause i know i didnt undress you
eatmorefrogs (5:55:09 PM): i guess that’d be the best way
d Is T eR 28 (5:55:12 PM): and unless theres something i dont know about ben
eatmorefrogs (5:55:16 PM): haha
eatmorefrogs (5:55:27 PM): he wasn’t drunk at all, he just wanted to rape us
d Is T eR 28 (5:55:34 PM): hahahah
eatmorefrogs (5:55:49 PM): i remember pouring my drink and then waking up naked not knowing exactly where the hell i was

That’s how we’ve left it for five years. We still don’t know what the wet substance was or how gazz ended up naked. Could this just an unmitigated case of guy love? I’ve told him for so long that there are no answers.

Or are there?

No, there arent. Gazz got drunk, peed our brand new futon, became one of my best friends in the process, and made me write this horrifying article. Also, I’m just trying to prep for a weekend of drinking while watching Charlotte’s Web. Gosh those pancakes look good.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 1:40 pm and is filed under How to..., Insults, Jersey is an Asshole, Love, Posts about Gay Cowboys, Yeah I have a girlfriend, bored at work, this post is surprisingly long. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.