Da Bachelorhood

Now, don’t judge a book by its cover. I’m a chilvaristic guy, although machiavellian at times (what the fuck does guy mean?), and I would never touch a women in anger. Unless it was one of these women. Let’s admit it, the rules that we’ve grown up with can only take us so far. We all know how to be nice to women and treat a lady right. However, there are seven women that i know of on this planet that, if I ran into them in public, I would knock the fuck out.

The progressive auto insurance check out counter lady, from the commercials: Now, I couldn’t find a video from this, but you know who I’m talking about. The ugly woman, wearing the bright red lipstick (You’re a McDonald, not a whore!), who is so cheery that she’ll give us all diabetes. You know: You saved 300 dollars! Wow. WOW! I Say it louder!!!……..Fuck you, you stupid dumb bitch. You’re the reason that fathers molest their children. If it wasn’t for women like you, bambi’s mother would still be alive, Cloverfield would’ve been more than a half hour long, and the car dump scene with the giant magnet in the brave little toaster wouldn’t have been so scary. I hope you lose your hands in a tragic conveyer belt accident. And when that happens, you don’t have insurance to pay your medical bills.

The Grandma from the goldkit commercials: Seriously. With all the money that’s coming out of my paychecks, you couldn’t just take my social security money (that i’ll never see), move to florida (god’s waiting room), and die namelessly? Instead, you have to make your way into one of tv’s most annoying fucking commercials and ruin my lunchbreak? I hope you actually tried to use the goldkit, mailed in your old gold, and then never got any money for it, you fucking sandbagger. And please, let’s stop the charade. Everyone knows you don’t have red hair anymore you zombie shedevil. Please die sooner than later so I don’t have to hear you panhandling for my mother’s jewelry in HD.

The ugly Kardashian Sister: Seriously? You have four super hot sisters. Two of them aren’t even teenagers yet, and as a whole they have two different fathers! This game of where’s Waldo is over way too fast, however you slice it. I guess it’s possible you could be the mailman’s daughter, if the mailman was a transvestite midget hooker from malaysia with a crab hand and a lisp (how’m i ssssspossssed to breav wif no airr?). I’m watching the show because you have four sisters, a mom, and a dad that i would seriously consider banging. I mean c’mon, your father was an olympic decathlete. Maybe if you participated in one or two of those events you could be some one-armed drunken vet’s beer-goggled mistake.

Tila Tequila: Or is it tila teckeela? Inside jokes aside, make up your mind. She likes boys. She likes girls. She likes scared little boys that wish that were girls. She likes scared little girls that rip the heads off dolls and cut all their own hair off. She likes to sit on buttered corn cobs she’s given names to. Get off my goddamn tv! I wish your family had never left Vietnam during the war. You and everyone on your show deserves to have a group shower of napalm and Agent Orange. A shot at love? I wish you’d get shot while looking for love. Move to Detroit, bitch.

Taylor Hanson: Enough said. Use whatever money you have left from that god forsaken mmmbop song and get the boob job you’ve wanted since you found out your penis wasn’t just a giant clitoris. In the words of Hanson, “Circle jerks with your brothers are much more fun if one of you gets to pretend to be the pizza.”

Sue Johanson: I hope everyone hates this woman. I have two major talking points here. First, and I think every guy knows this, she fucks with your programming guide. Who hasn’t been scanning the directv channel guide late at night, looking for some softcore to eat dinner to or put the baby to sleep with (euphemism? you decide), when all the sudden your peripheral vision provides you with a scan-spot of the word sex. Quick, turn it on! FUCK, ITS A 93 YEAR OLD WOMAN CHOMPING ON A BIG RED DILDO! Talk about a libido killer. Hell, even Brick can only whack to that for like, three minutes, max! Secondly, FUCK, ITS A 93 YEAR OLD WOMAN CHOMPING ON A BIG RED DILDO! The only thing worse is the idk my bff rose picture (you have to download the space porn package for that, ask gazzy pants). Anyways, the only 93 year old woman I want to see with a dildo, talking about sex, is the Queen of England. Only because that’s the price a country should pay for having people that talk like they do. And what better way to conduct foreign policy? The threat of the queen’s beef drapes on display should be enough for anyone to surrender their country to british submission, even if they do have a flag!

Chris Crocker: Taylor Hanson has a soulmate! But seriously, if you ask me, THIS is the reason people hate america. I don’t think the founding fathers had transexual coke mules on youtube in mind when they created the ‘freedom of expression’ clause. If you want to be a woman, like taylor hanson, just go all the way and get implants, for christ’s sake. That way, at least you can end up doing drugs in a hotel room with soccer phenom Ronaldo. What happened to the smarts trannies showed when we were kids? At least RuPaul had giant fake tits, despite the fact that he/she was 6′7 and had a voice like james earl jones.

I know, I know, i’m angry today. But, it’s mother’s day, and I can’t think of seven women more deserving of a chain that limits them to the laundry room and kitchen, and prevents them from being seen or heard by the public. Up next week, I tell you my plan to murder (and play around in the blood of) the creators of and actors in that goddamn go-phone commercial.

This entry was posted on Sunday, May 11th, 2008 at 11:08 pm and is filed under Hangover, Jersey is an Asshole, Posts about Gay Cowboys, Why couldn't this post be about Britney Spears?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.