Da Bachelorhood

Every guy out there knows that, inherent with being a man, there are great decisions that need to be made. Hooker or dog? Boxers or briefs? Is a mouth a mouth? Condom or baby? Cigarettes, or for two dollars more in NY, crack? However, there are many more decisions that, unlike those mentioned, we don’t face every morning. This is the first chapter of a book that may eventually turn into an encyclopedia.

The idea for this great debate in manhood came from personal experience. I was standing at the toliet, peeing, as men do, standing up, with my pants down, in the pale glow of the moon, when i felt a massive sneeze coming on. I was nowhere close to being done with my business, so i had fractions of a second to make an incredibly tough, yet important decision. Cut off the flow temporarily? (any guy knows how painful this is) Or keep peeing, knowing that the inevitable giant sneeze and subsequent convulsion will cause a spray akin to what one feels only when riding the Maid of the Mist at Niagara Falls? There are many options and different conditional situations that make this debate even scarier.

One option is to cut off the flow and allow the sneeze to happen. This is probably the cleanest option. However, what if the sneeze is so large that it breaks the temporary dam you’ve constructed anyways? Then you have to endure the pain and the mess. Tough choice, but it might be one of the better options. There is a minor chance that all the energy from the dammed flow and giant sneeze combined could create a black hole or cosmic vortex to be created. Worth the risk? You decide.

Another option is let the flow continue and still allow the sneeze to happen. In that case, you’d mostly likely wish you hadn’t worn your lucky rocketship underpants, and had instead worn a poncho and some goggles. Good thing the shower is right next to the toliet. But what if you’re someplace this doesnt work? Say you’re at your girlfriend’s house? I know you don’t care much about her, and she’ll never find out since she’s still in diapers and doesn’t use the bathroom, but her mom will probably have to clean it, and that’s definitely something you don’t want to deal with.

Option Three: You’re at a urinal. You fucking lucky bastard. You have found the ultimate solution. I hope the sneeze is bigger than you expected and you get a concussion from accidentally banging your head on the flusher handle. Serves you right, dickhead.

Option Four: you’re peeing into someone’s mouth. You’re my hero. Just tell your mexican landscaper (happy cinco de mayo!!) to close his mouth before you sneeze and he’ll make an extra three dollars. I guarantee no mess, but if he’s got lockjaw, you’re screwed.

Option Five: you quickly squat in order to decrease the blast area. If it doesn’t result in a hernia, it could be a good plan of attack. However, you once again might have to deal with the concussion issue. I sure wouldn’t want to be found with my pants down, thong exposed, with two black eyes and covered in pee. Then again, there’s already video of me like that all over the internet, and I cant be asked to make decisions for you. Another side effect is that you might lose your balance, and it could end up looking like you’re sodomizing the toliet. I’ve heard there’s easier ways to fuck a poophole (so gazz tells me), but good luck with that.

Option Six: wear diapers at all times. Some might find this disgusting, but I think it’s a fantastic idea. Never lose your seat at the bar. Don’t pull over when road tripping. Join social networks at nurseries, hospitals, and hospices world-round. Pretend to be a crazy astronaut. Write articles on dabachelorhood.com without having to get up for potty breaks. The possibilities are endless!

Option Seven: you’re jersey, so you pee sitting down. Not really a solution, or an option (for any of the rest of us). Just had to throw it out there.

There are probably many other creative solutions to this, but there are only so many hours in the day, and it’s about time to change my diaper. Give your input and start a debate.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 5th, 2008 at 5:14 pm and is filed under A fish mouth is sexier than I thought, How to..., Self Debate, yet it leaves our a lot. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.