Da Bachelorhood

You’re probably saying to yourself, “Hey you aren’t better than me.” Well you may be right, but you’ll never be able to convince me. I got too much going on for me. Just this weekend alone I got Brickman to say 5 separate times, “God damn it, I hate Jersey.” If you aren’t good enough to provoke deep hatred from the self-pity, emo, teenage angst even though he’s getting close to 30, hairy, nicotine depraved punk, then God damn it, I MUST be better than you. Just in case you need to me to specifically tell you how much better I am than you, I will, and I remind you, all these things are true:

-Even though I’m a huge douche, I got girls on a regular basis. I’m not even that good looking, but just by being a cocky, dick to people, and stealing the spotlight everywhere I went chicks dug me.

-I hate people like me too.

- I fight crime, mostly targeting schemers and drug dealers. Thus cutting off the two chances to escape your pathetic reality; getting rich quick and forgetting your trouble with drugs.

-When I buy a round of shots, I refuse to order anything but whiskey even though I know everyone hates whiskey.

-I have the volume on my Ipod up way too loud, disturbing those around me.

-I also have a high-end video Ipod, so I watch comedic podcasts and laugh really loud on quiet train and subway rides.

-When I go out with my girlfriend, we are very PDA. If its at a bar, that means I’ve had a few drinks and I will blatantly make out with her. This is unacceptable behavior I know, but I just don’t care about other people think.

-I wear one of those rubber bracelets around my right wrist, but its not one of the yellow Livestrong ones, so I feel thats its ok to make fun of people who do wear the yellow ones as “posers.”

-I use the word “poser.”

-9 out of 10 people think I’m really really nice, but my best friends think I’m a dick and love me anyway.

-If you are one of the 1 out of 10 people who doesn’t like me immediately, I will destroy you socially and deep six any ambitions you have to be friends with anyone I know.

-Your girlfriend calls me every now and then to see how my life is going.

-I take softball games very seriously.

-When I was at college, I didn’t introduce myself by my real name, I just called myself Jersey. What a pretentious bastard I was/am.

-I keep track of how many people I have sent to prison through the use of jury trials.

-I’m undefeated.

-While I have time at work to write out this entire post, I will always brag about how important my job is and how busy I am.

-Brickman agrees with EVERY WORD of this post.

-When I get drunk I wrestle people and use skills I learned during high school.

-Did I mention I played Rugby in college? You know what skills you need to play rugby in college? 1. An aura of invincibility. 2. The will to inflict physical pain on others. 3. The ability to constantly be a douchebag.

-My teachers loved me, and I probably got slightly better grades than I deserved because of it.

- Even though my girlfriend is highly educated and very smart, I still make comments to her about how she should cook more and clean more, I’m only kidding, but I do it just to get her upset.

-She isn’t as smart as I am.

-Neither are you.

-I make terribly offensive jokes and then say things like, “C’mon it was pretty funny, wasn’t it.”

-I’m probably going to hit on your girlfriend after you introduce her to me, just for funsies.

-I’ll sing at the top of my lungs when Journey or Billy Joel is played at a bar, but I’ll make fun of you if you do karaoke.

-I don’t have typo’s, you just can’t read.

-I can jokingly punch you, but I swear to God you better not fucking touch me.

-All of my sports teams are better than your sports teams.

-I am REALLY loud.

-The reason I love this post is because its all about me.

This entry was posted on Monday, April 14th, 2008 at 11:29 am and is filed under A fish mouth is sexier than I thought, But God damn it I respect you, I want to drink with THAT guy, Jersey is an Asshole, Uncategorized, bored at work, this post is surprisingly long, too many tags, yet it leaves our a lot. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.