Da Bachelorhood

My dear readers*, one of my favorite holidays is fast approaching. I’m not talking about the Ides of March; as a Caesar sympathizer, I’m actually not a fan of it. The greatest alcoholic day of the year (right behind Mother’s Day) is just around the corner: St. Patrick’s Day! The day is about beer, unlike last month, Black History month, which was more malt liquor focused. That joke is ok because I have a black friend.

St. Patrick’s day is no different than any other holiday in terms of the amount of alcohol people drink. The reason, however, is completely different. On St. Patrick’s day, you drink to have fun with your friends but during other holidays you drink to cope with your family*.

The alcoholism of St. Patty’s day is great because it balances out last month’s festive recreational drug use. If by chance earth’s orbit gets fucked and St. Patrick’s day falls within February, I think we should call it “Chris Farley day”. Yeah, too soon. If you had it on the same day as your President’s Day’s hooker party, it would be a celebration with as many felonies as a Michigan State* homecoming. That joke is ok because I have a Michigan State friend who is practically a hooker.

St. Patrick’s day commemorates St. Patrick, who, according to legend, drove the snakes out of Ireland. This is incorrect and it’s actually a mistranslation from Gaelic for “kick the cops out of the party.” If I had to pick a modern day St. Patrick, I’d say he is best represented by Samuel L. Jackson, if not for the hatred of snakes, for the cursing (fun fact: all Irish people LOVE to curse.) That joke is ok, because I have a friend that loves to curse.

A common misconception is that everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s day. This is simply not true - everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day except the Mormons*. They can March (17th) their way back to Utah, those prudes aren’t welcome in Ireland. Because everyone claims to be Irish on St. Patty’s, you never know who is really Irish. I’ve devised this simple test to determine if someone is truly Irish. When they say they’re Irish, respond with “Ireland? Isn’t that a state in England?” If the Irishman doesn’t get immediately visibly angry, he’s a fake.

Three things you should know about the Irish:
1) When an Irishman has Tourettes, he has random outbursts of sanity.
2) Dublin is the most socially lubricated place in the world. This is not to be confused with another big party town, New Orleans, which is the most lubricated city, period.
3) If your friend is Irish, it’s ok to tell him he’s tempered (that’s a pun) drinker and gets in fights all because he’s Irish - unless he’s a black friend. If he’s a black Irishman, ask for the Leperachuan’s bike back. That joke is ok because i have a biker friend.

St. Patrick’s day has an intimate connection to each member of DaBachelorhood. Jersey is Irish, Snakeyes was driven out of Ireland by Saint Patrick, whom Saint Brickman is named after, Sauce is an alcoholic and I have an uncontrollable penchant for Lucky Charms.

It’s almost St. Patty’s Day. Be Irish, get drunk, sham-rock out with your sham-cock out. Celebrate this holiday by getting bombed. You know that’s how they do it in Northern Ireland.*

*cunts.

On a serious note, when are you guys celebrating? Because it’s a Catholic feast day and it happens to fall during Holy Week, technically it’s on the 15th this year, but I got invited to a party on the 17th.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 11th, 2008 at 3:18 pm and is filed under Holiday Holocaust, Only Snakeeyes will laugh. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.