Da Bachelorhood

So here we are, again on the eve of the worst holiday of the year. Easy, i’m not trashing it because its a ‘love’ day, but only because i’ve got a few paragraphs to write before I get there. I mean, how can you have a holiday that you don’t even get off work or school for? Or one where you don’t get real presents?

I mean cmon, having to spend a ton of money on a girl who is just going to hate whatever you give her anyways isn’t my idea of a holiday. For those of you that know me, you know i like sifting through equations and other mathematical constructs. In honor of valentine’s day, i’ve decided to try to solve a new theorem. I dont mean to be so dramatic but, guys just hate today.

Valentines day, and love in general, should be so much easier. Valentine’s day should be like it was when we were all back in grade school, where everyone got a mickey mouse card and some sort of candy. Instead, the candy i get from girls are cyanide capsules made to look like skittles, and the cards are nothing short of hallmark magic. Not that i mind hallmark magic, which is much more subtle than other cards. Love would be a lot easier if it was as straight forward as 3rd grade. Hi, i like you, you like me, so let’s give this a shot. Instead, there’s bullshit, girlshit (not in the literal sense, girls don’t poop), 3 day rules, and all sorts of other garbage. The only three day rule i want associated with a girl is the 3 days a hooker waits for my check to clear. This is slightly more complicated if you’re british, because you have to use phrases like ‘i fancy you’ and bash your teeth in to look authentic brit. However, then you’re british, and valentine’s day is the least of your worries. If i was british, i would almost want comparatively better things to happen to me.

Look to brickman for several fantastic valentine’s day ideas. I have a few more. If you’re like me, your liver needs a rest, so drown your heart with alcohol instead. I’m sure there’s several ladies at the bar who are sad that there aren’t guys throwing away expendable income at them, and ill bet that only ten percent or so are said hookers. The rest are primed for a guy who is emotionally able to say ‘aww’ to cute things, or who can cry on command. If you can’t cry on command, think of bambi’s mom dying. If that doesn’t work, think of Mufasa dying in the lion king. If that doesn’t work, think of bambi’s mom and Mufasa simultaneously dying in a vicious mid-air collision. I garuntee that works. Oh dear, how cruel planetearth can be. But really, don’t get too down about valentine’s day. I used to, and then I remembered that now i have an extra c-note to spend on my own alcoholism. Besides, be thankful that when you say (speaking about this valentine’s), back in the day…., and you remember today, that it’s not a wednesday. And girls, cut the garbage, if a guy says he likes you, or he fancies you, don’t play games. And guys, if you can’t get that girl at the bar to go out with you, at least your take off wasn’t this bad. And hey, at least you don’t have cancer
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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 11:48 pm and is filed under Holiday Holocaust, Posts about Gay Cowboys. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.