Da Bachelorhood

Well its Valentines day and for some odd reason I have a Valentine this year. This is a mixed blessing because it means I’ll get laid (unless she reads this post) but it also means I’m shelling out mad cash to make that fine, young lady in my life swoon. I considered writing a post about how to make that special young lady in your life happy, but then realized it be more fun if I wrote about what I would want my girlfriend to do for me if Valentines Day was centered on the Dude and not the Chick. Let me give you a Shitbrick-esque tour de force of my perfect VDay with the LadyFriend, in a realistic manner. (editors note: Brickman will be coming with a single’s guide to VDAY later today)

7:15 AM– Wake up. It is a work day after all. Coffee, with whiskey, is handed to me by scantily clad female, preferably girlfriend.

7:30 AM– Hop in the shower with said woman, do unspeakable things, then have her wash my unmentionables.

7: 55 AM- look out window, notice that it’s fucking beautiful out. An otter hands me the Daily News, with all the depressing stuff already redacted.

7:56 AM– The comics were the only part that wasn’t redacted. Damn that F Minus is funny.

8:00 AM- Abs, chest, and biceps magically get great, refreshing workout while I eat bacon, sausage, and ham cooked by the GF. She should be wearing something that makes my penis say “Zoom Zoom Zoom”.

8:15 AM – Begin having sensitive, smooth, and sexy love making session with the gf.

8:17 AM – Did it twice. Exhausted.

8: 20 AM – While watching Sportscenter, I realize that all of my teams actually won. Never going to happen though.

8: 45 AM – Go back to sleep.

10:00 AM – Wake up and head to work, subway does not have normal urine smell and I am not nearly pushed onto the tracks. Nor did I have to use my AK, so the commute was a good commute.

10:30 AM – Coffee guy on the corner sees me coming, has my coffee ready, and this time pays me $1.25 to drink it. I think that’s a fair exchange.

10: 45 AM – Walk into my office, Jay-Z is playing. Turns out all of my bosses called in sick. Instead of leaving early, my office mates and I watch hilarious Disney movies from our days of yesteryear, while drinking smooth refreshing Bud Light (AD REVENUE PLEASE). Girlfriend sends multiple, naughty text messages including at least 3 sexy picture texts. I’ve never been so proud of hide a boner.

1 PM – Man I love Aladdin. LUNCH TIME! Ooooooooo Lobster rolls and Pork Fried Rice; smother me baby.

1: 42 PM – Ate too much, nap time.

3:13 PM – Shit I slept through the part where Bambi’s mother died, but coworkers let me rewind and see it again. What does this have to do with Valentines day?

4:55 PM – Out of work and into the arms of the girl, who is curiously wearing a full length trench coat. What’s underneath, you ask? Wait till 5:30.

5:15 PM – I can’t wait any longer. What she’s wearing is red, but there’s so little of it you can barely tell.

5:16 PM – We’re asked to leave the subway station. Hop in a cab and head hope.

5:34 PM – GF puts on Rerun of the Giants-Patriots Super Bowl. Orally pleases me.

6:59 PM – The guys come over to watch the 4^th Quarter while the Lady of the Apartment makes appetizers and calls her friends to come over and hit on my desperately single and socially awkward friends. By comparison, I look like the God that I am.

7:15 PM – Brickman calls me crying because he misses me. I respond by calling a random Cleveland hoodrat. She pleases him, until he realizes that she is a Browns cheerleader, which makes her a man. He ignores the mustache and continues because, hey, a mouth is a mouth.

7:45 PM- The buzz kicks in right after Tyree makes “The Giant Snatch”. The blog site Kissing Suzy Kolber named it, and I love it.

8:00 PM – Jagerbombs for the Giant win. Everyone has gotten very drunk in record time. I start getting really annoying by screaming sweet nothing at my girlfriend from across the room.

8:03 PM – Party goers awkwardly leave. The girls quickly abandon my friends, as is right.

8:08 PM – Girl makes me sober up or threatens no sex, because she doesn’t have the time or patience to have me whiskey dick her for 3 hours.

9:00 PM – Order Sushi.

9:10 PM – Sushi arrives. Awesome. I start sobering up just in time to watch American Gladiators, the old version. But in this episode, Snake Eyes takes on Sause in every event. Oh little Snake can try all he wants, but Sause is still going to smack his face with that giant Q-Tip.

10:00 PM - Getting tired, I reach for a PowerThirst.

10:01 PM – Experience orgasm that can only be paralleled by inanimate objects such as Plutonium, the planet Venus, and Don King’s hair.

10:20 PM – Shower off.

10:30 PM – Still showering off, I don’t think you understand how gross a beautiful act can be.

11:30 PM – Colbert Report!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 13th, 2008 at 3:59 pm and is filed under I know I know, Love, Yeah I have a girlfriend, stealing brick's ideas. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.