Surviving the Office Holiday Party: A single man’s strategy (*UPDATED*)
Posted by: Jersey in Surviving in the Workplace(UPDATE AT BOTTOM)Â
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
By Golly, its office party time. Time to chase office tail and drink eggnog until you have the courage to tell you boss that you have a crush on her. Not cause she’s hot, but because you dig the whole powersuit look shes got going for her. God damn it I love a woman in slacks.
Here is a list of my goals and I’ll report back tomorrow and let you know how well I did…
- Be all that I can be
- Ball out in true baller style
- Walk everywhere with a noticeable swagger
- Don’t walk anywhere with a noticeable stagger
- Make eggnog come out of someone’s nose
- Dance with the highest ranking official I can find
- Be the first and last person on the dance floor, but none of the people in between
- Trade draft picks for better looking co-workers
- Quote Lionel Hutz as often as possible…including but not limited to:”Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I’ll be defending you on the charge of… Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I’ll be famous! ” and “Now Apu, Mrs. Simpsons claims she forgot she was carrying that bottle of… delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors. What’s that? You want me to drink you? I’m in the middle of a trial”
- Open a Grand Jury investigation into why only “Native American’s” are still allowed to be drunk in public, but not the Irish…fuck…
- Confess my love to whoever feeds me while drunk
- Quit
- Cry
- Beg for my job back
- Drunk dial as many girls from college that I made out with as I can
- Go home with no money in my wallet and wake up to the credit card company calling me asking if my card was stolen
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MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
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UPDATE- Ok I learned a few valuable lessons last night. The most important being that whatever happens at the Christmas, stays in conversations amoung every fucking co-worker in the building for the next 363 days. If I hear one more person tell me that Santa is mad at me, I’m going to freak out. So what if I make out with a chick in a Santa hat, leave my demented fetish alone. Fuckers. What? You think its funny to write up a legal document and have the defendant named after the girl? HAHAHA SHUT THE FUCK UP. Although I’m not gonna lie. I love being the center of attention. Feels great. Sorry you struck out last night.
Also I learned that when you are being patted down by a uniformed officer it is not funny to hug him back.
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December 6th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
won’t people at your office party have guns? that’s no good. You don’t want to drink eggnog though, you know its really elf cum right? Who invented eggnog? Probably some guy that said, ‘i want to get a little drunk, but i also want some pancakes!’
December 6th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
My grandma used to make this eggnog punch for holiday family gatherings. Have you ever had this shit? It’s eggnog, sherbet, and 7-up. It’s like, hey, I know what goes really well with eggs - fucking sherbet and lemon lime soda. No alcohol either. If I’m gonna drink something that tastes like a carbonated fruit basket ejaculated on a waffle, I want to get drunk off of it. Or at least have the means to get my hot cousin drunk enough to show me her thong.