Da Bachelorhood

Alright, I figure most of our readership is in college or just leaving college. That means you’re probably just now finding out how worthless a diploma is when everyone has one nowadays. The key is to set yourself apart by getting another diploma, called a graduate degree (google it - they really exist.) This second degree is the Red Sox to your competition’s Indians and will ensure that you get hired.

I’m making the assumption that you’re just like every other chump with a bachelor’s degree; you skimmed through college on Ds and Cs and grad school won’t be a reality without a solid application. Sounds familiar, eh? Here are a few tips to make sure you get that shiny new acceptance letter from ANYWHERE you want to go.

Tip 1: Make sure your email address works for you, not against you.

stud52@hotmail.com isn’t gonna land you an acceptance letter. Spend the 5 bucks to register a domain name with some meaning. If you’re going to medical school, register www. centerforadvancedmedicine.com, and make sure you have the right username set up. research@centerforadvancedmedicine.com should look pretty solid on any resume.

Tip 2: Apply to other schools even if you don’t want in and even if you’re under qualified.

Until they decline your application, you’re not lying if you claim you’re a biomedical doctoral candidate at Harvard. If I saw that on an application, I’d accept you instantly.

Tip 3: The best reference is an unverifiable one. Drop some names, too.

Be sure to mention celebrities and how you’ve changed their lives. Celebrities are the perfect reference - everyone knows who they are, but nobody has a way of contacting them to verify the reference. If you’re bold enough to claim you influenced a celebrity, you’re probably telling the truth. You advised Al Gore on his latest movie, but with his new Nobel Prize, he doesn’t have time to talk to university admissions people; he’s a very busy man. Sure you helped Pope John Paul II ghostwrite his memoirs, but it’s too late to contact him. They’ll just need to take your word for it.

Tip 4: Mention your volunteer work, even if you didn’t do it.

The best volunteer time you can reference is taking home poor hungry people for dinner every night. It’s virtually unverifiable, shows great dedication, and shows a humble but proactive approach to helping the community. Sometimes this is the only thing I write on applications. Instant acceptance.

Tip 5: Use your mailing address to show your status.

Your mailing address is another important part of the application. Elm Street isn’t going to get you anywhere. You’ll need to make sure you use a foreign P.O. box, and make sure they use something like “ATTN: General Manager” for return mail. For example, tell them the easiest way for them to mail their response is to send it to your office, where you’ll be spending the next few months:

Center for Nuclear Research
ATTN: Lead Researcher Johnson
PO Box 09292, Cambridge, England

Tip 6: Always use the university president’s stationary for your envelopes.

These are easily acquired from the supply closets of the administration building on campus. For added measure, put a sticky note on your application that simply says “President Burns told me to tell you he sent me.” Rock-fucking-solid.

Tip 7: A killer essay about morality wins points.

Don’t risk writing this one yourself. Copy and paste from the Bible. It’s in the public domain, which means anyone can use it. If you select a large passage from somewhere in the Old Testament, you’ll instantly have a pretty solid essay. I favor Leviticus, but Deuteronomy might be your style. Steer clear of Psalms and Proverbs, too many people have read those.

I followed these tips, and I’m currently being considered at every Ivy League institution. If you don’t make it, there’s always porn.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2007 at 8:12 pm and is filed under How to..., Surviving in the Workplace. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.