Da Bachelorhood

• if you can, when you first get the job, try to get a computer or a cubicle that faces a wall so no one can sneak up behind you and catch you fucking off. THIS WILL SIGNIFICANTLY IMPROVE YOUR CHANCES OF NOT GETTING CAUGHT.
• always be eating something or have something to eat at arms length. if someone catches you fucking off, tell them you are taking your break. it’s more believable if you’re eating something.
• always have a work screen up on your computer and learn the quick way to pull it back up (alt-tab on PCs and hot corners on MACs)
• correlary: get very good at minimizing screens
• get a cool phone that has games, internet, etc.
• take extended bathroom breaks. if someone asks you about it, tell them you’re stomach isn’t feeling very well. they will absolutely, without-a-doubt back off (NO ONE wants to talk about your bowel issues, even if they are fictional).
• while sitting on the can, you can play games and surf the web on your cool phone.
• set up a large email correspondence with multiple people. this provides hours of entertainment that resembles emailing a co-worker. and, you will be a good samaritan by providing your miserable, disillusioned friends with something to do.
• do NOT listen to music unless you somehow get roped in to doing actual work. if you are fucking off, you need to keep an attentive ear so that you can hear someone walking by your office.
• take up smoking. smokers get at LEAST 12 breaks a day.
• purposefully mess up your desk. and if someone walks by, start organizing it. they’ll think you’re a perfectionist and possess great attention to detail, when in reality you just got to the 7th level of bricks on addictinggames.com.
• NEVER ACT GUILTY. if you act like you’ve just been caught, you have just been caught. act innocent and you are innocent.
• start a blog.

any other suggestions for the ever-alienated workforce? post a comment.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 10th, 2007 at 10:55 am and is filed under How to..., Surviving in the Workplace. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.